November 9th, 2019 is a significant day in my life since it is the day I made my first profession of vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience as a Sister of Providence. The weeks of preparation leading to the day of my first profession were a roller coaster of emotions: from fear to courage, confusion to certainty, highs to lows, and chaos to peace. The fear of not living up to the vows and of living a life that is somewhat counter-cultural would grip me from time to time. But then, the gentle yet assuring presence of a loving community sets an example of fidelity to the "call", from which I can draw courage. the awareness of the imminent day of profession brought me to question myself over and over again as to whether I am truly following the vocation God calls me to. This caused a little bit of confusion sometimes. When I took my walks or sat in in silence to take the time to listen to what my heart says (the heart where God planted His desires for me, which in a way are also my own desires), I found certainty in the vocation I am pursuing. Many other factors brought a sense of chaos somehow to the point where I felt like succumbing to the pressures of the preparation, but most especially to the fear of surrendering myself completely to the community, to God, and to His people. In the words of Father Stephen Hero, the celebrant for my first profession of vows, in vows I am intentionally divesting myself of all that I have: body, mind, and soul. I am like a stone perched on top of other stones and immersed in the water, helpless. And yet the stone is immersed in "living water". God is the living water. He went further and said that when I place myself in Providence...chaste, poor, and obedient, I am like that stone held by God. As helpless as the stone is, I am giving away all that I have in order to receive all that God is. In that receiving, I receive the peace that the world cannot give. Indeed, during my weeklong retreat in preparation for my first vows, despite all the chaos, I was immensely at peace with my decision to continue and pronounce my vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience...living a life entirely dependent on Providence.
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